My new semester started last Tuesday. This is the beginning of my final year in graduate school. I have already begun my practicum. I am excited and a little frightened; as well as tired, frustrated, eager and anxious. There are probably more feelings but I haven’t processed them yet…
Tired. What am I tired of or from? Well, in a general sense school. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to learn, that just means I’m eager to finish and begin practicing in my new field (hence the eager mentioned earlier). I am tired of writing papers which is ironic because one of my classes this semester is “Research.”
I am frightened and anxious about the supervision class I have. Basically the class is designed to teach us as we work in the field during our practicum and internship. This means opening myself up to be critiqued. I think it’s aways difficult to separate critique from criticism. Critique is meant to improve and guide. As a part of this I have to record myself with my clients provided they are willing to grant me permission for to do so. I’m OK with that but I don’t want to ave to hear myself. I’m great at self-criticism!
Oddly, I find that I am also anxious because I have taken two and a half days away from my full time job dealing with auto parts in order to better work my practicum, school and serve my clients. There is time in there when I am without clients. Some of this time is of course for school, but I find that I am feeling like I am wasting time. ‘Should I have more clients?’ ‘Have I balanced this time in a way that best serves my clients in practicum?’ ‘Should I have taken less time away from my steady paying job?’ etc. Last week these thoughts were on the verge of rumination, this week not as much, but they are still there.
My practicum works out to about 100 hours over 16 weeks. 40 of which needs to be spent with clients and 60 spent doing case notes and various paper work. Even just helping out at the office.
I will have to work and adjust and if there is a little free time for me I know I can benefit from it. I have had very little ‘extra’ time for the past two years. Maybe I’m just not used to it.